A story about circling thoughts and how to get rid of them.

Content warning

• Depression
• Rumination

The short story

Charlotte sometimes thinks the wrong things. She thinks the wrong things a lot.

“Just think of something else. Just. Think. Of. Something. Else. Number 1 advice from people not suffering from depression. Okay, let’s try this. What is a nice and happy thought to have? Can’t really think of one right now, off the top of my head…

Let’s review the current thoughts floating around in my brain, maybe there’s a good one in there I can use: “I am not getting better fast enough.“ Hmm, that’s not it. “I am a burden to my family.” Uhm, maybe not. “I am frustrated and sad and these feeling will just keep coming back.” Okay, this is not helping. Which brings me to thought #4: “You are not helping the situation by being like this. It will just keep getting worse and worse.” Damn it. “Oh and you know what? Get ready to feel like shit for the rest of your life, because those feelings are not going away and I have many more where those came from. Have you thought what you’re boss is going to think? And your colleagues, who will have to do all the work that you should have been doing? Or what you’re gonna do once your sick leave is over? You have to think of these things.” Uhm, that escalated quickly.”

Charlotte wonders how her brain during depression seems to be so immensely creative in coming up with all the things that are not going well or wrong or things she is not doing but should be doing or things she should have done or things she should worry about. Whatever happened to “Hey, you woke up at 5am but you were able to stand up, get dressed, go out for a walk around the lake, and then had some food?” Charlotte’s brain seems to be very good at cleverly hiding those tiny successes away from my consciousness. She knows she an overthinker but usually that leads to being well-prepared for assignments, on-time for appointments, and in a constant excited, anticipatory state. Now, with her brain and body deep into “I am depressed and anxious” mode, she is kind of in a hamster wheel of thoughts. Imagine this hamster wheel going very fast, thoughts repeating themselves and jumbling over each other constantly. Every negative thought just keeps coming back. How is it possible, in such a state, to “just think of something else”? It’s impossible. Especially for Charlotte, who is directly in this emotional rollercoaster.

So what’s Charlotte’s strategy? Every once in a while, the wheel has to stop for a few minutes to get new fuel. The body is too exhausted at some point. And she uses these brief moments of relative emotional stability to flood her brain with positive messages and hopes they arrive in the right place. “You visited your sister yesterday, all by yourself.” “You had a really good dinner and watched a nice movie.” “The sun feels nice on your skin.” Every positive thought is a tiny marble that she takes into the hamster wheel with her, like a small furry animal getting ready to survive the winter. Here’s hope that as soon as the wheel starts turning again, it is slowed down a tiny little bit by these positive thought marbles. And at some point, even though that still seems very far away, the marbles together may become so heavy that they stop the wheel from turning all together. Until then, Charlotte is bracing herself for another wild ride.

This story was originally written in English and without any help of AI.

The paper

Watkins, E. R., & Roberts, H. (2020). Reflecting on rumination: Consequences, causes, mechanisms and treatment of rumination. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 127, 103573. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2020.103573

Connection between story and paper

The story let’s us glimpse into the mind of Charlotte, a depressed person that cannot control her negative thoughts and keeps ruminating. It is supposed to show how hard it is for these individuals to “just smile” or “just think of something positive”, because that in itself is the hardest thing to do sometimes. The scientific study reviews and summarizes evidence of negative consequences of such “rumination”, which is a hallmark symptom of depression.

Please be aware that this story describes some strategies to overcome negative emotions. This may or may not work for you or your situation. Please seek the help of friends, family, and specialized healthcare professionals to treat depression.

The author

Helena has developed Science and Fiction and writes many of the stories herself. Her current research as an active scientist focuses on the behavioural and neural basis of pain, pain modulation and treatment expectations based on placebo and nocebo effects. She completed her PhD at the Social, Cognitive, and Affective Neuroscience Unit at the Institute for Psychology of Cognition, Emotion and Methods at the University of Vienna, where she investigated empathy and prosocial behaviour in the area of pain.